The Four Tendencies: How to Get Yourself or Someone Else to Make the Health Changes They Need
Ever wonder why some people breeze through their to-do lists while others struggle to get anything done?
In today's episode, we'll be diving into Gretchen Rubin's book, The Four Tendencies. This framework sheds light on why some of us, or the people we care about or work with, excel or stumble when it comes to achieving goals.
We'll be focusing on making health changes. By getting a grip on these tendencies, you can uncover valuable insights into your own behavior and that of those around you. Whether you're setting personal health goals or trying to help someone else—whether it's a loved one or a coaching client—this episode will give you the tools to understand what makes people tick and how to motivate them effectively.
Rubin breaks it down into four personality types: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Each type has its own unique way of dealing with inner and outer expectations, which can make a big difference in how they tackle tasks and goals.
Upholder: Embracing Discipline as Freedom
Upholders are those folks who manage to meet both outer and inner expectations. Basically, they can handle everything they set out to do, whether it's something they've planned themselves or something others expect from them. This knack for meeting all kinds of expectations makes them pretty unique.
Gretchen Rubin dives deep into these personality types and sums up Upholders with the motto: "Discipline is my freedom." This really captures their love for structure, rules, and the satisfaction of ticking off all their to-dos. Upholders thrive on order and get a real kick out of meeting their goals and obligations.
Gretchen's interest in these personality types, especially Upholders, came from her own experiences. She found it easy to get things done and was often baffled by why others didn't. This curiosity led her to explore how different people respond to expectations, which has helped many, including me, understand why not everyone just "gets things done." It's a perspective that's made me appreciate my own tendencies and understand the various ways people tackle tasks and commitments.
Rubin's research shows that most people fit into other categories like Questioners, Obligers, or Rebels, each with their own unique ways of dealing with expectations. Upholders, however, stand out because they can handle both internal and external demands. This balance is what makes them special and their disciplined approach to life both impressive and intriguing.
Upholders are the ones who prove that discipline can actually be a form of freedom. They find joy and fulfillment in structure and accomplishment, making them a fascinating group to understand and, in my case, identify with.
Obligers: Harnessing External Accountability for Success
Obligers are super nice people who usually put other people's expectations ahead of their own. This means they're great at meeting external demands but often struggle with their own inner obligations. Gretchen Rubin sums up their mindset with the motto: "You can count on me, and I'm counting on you to count on me." This really shows how much Obligers need outside accountability to get things done.
They're driven by the desire to be there for others and to follow through on what others expect of them. This makes them the go-to people for getting things done, especially when someone else is relying on them.
Interestingly, Obligers are the most common personality type in Rubin’s framework. So, it's important to understand what life is like for them and how they can set themselves up for success. If you're reading this, there's a good chance you might be an Obliger yourself.
To help Obligers out, it's crucial to create systems of external accountability. This could mean setting deadlines with others, joining groups with shared goals, or having a buddy system where mutual expectations help drive action. By recognizing the importance of outside influences, Obligers can use their strengths to meet both personal and external commitments.
Obligers are the reliable and supportive members of any group. They excel at meeting others' expectations but might need a bit of help with their own goals. By understanding and leveraging external accountability, Obligers can achieve great success and keep being the dependable folks everyone can count on.
Questioners: The Logic-Driven Decision Makers
On the flip side from Obligers are what Gretchen Rubin calls Questioners . Questioners tend to resist outer expectations. They're the ones who, if you tell them, "Hey, you should stop drinking soda," will respond with, "What? Why?" But they do meet their inner expectations, which is why they're called Questioners—they need things to make sense to them before they commit.
Questioners will dig into whether something makes sense. If you give them a solid, logical explanation or customize the reason to fit them, they're way more likely to go along with it. For instance, if you just say, "Hey, don't drink soda," they'll probably refuse if they enjoy it. But if you explain, "Here's why I don't recommend drinking soda: You show signs of fatty liver disease, which we can see based on your blood work and ultrasound. The high fructose corn syrup in soft drinks is hard on your liver and affects your weight, which in turn affects your liver. One of the best things you could do for your health is to cut back on or stop drinking soda altogether. We could track your liver's improvement and weight changes," the Questioner can weigh that info and decide logically that quitting soda makes sense for their health.
This group is some of my favorite people to work with in my clinic. If I can give them a take-home message that makes sense, I see them being really successful. They want explanations, data, and justifications. When they have all that, they'll do the logical thing that makes sense to them, but they won’t do it just because someone told them to.
Their motto is, "I'll comply if you convince me why." It’s all about making sure it makes sense.
Rebels: Maintaining Independence Despite Expectations
The last group Gretchen Rubin identifies is the Rebels, who are pretty much the opposite of Upholders. Rebels are also quite rare, making up only about 5 percent of the population according to Rubin's research.
Rebels are unique because they resist both outer expectations—those imposed by others—and inner expectations—they set for themselves. This can make them challenging not only for themselves but also for those around them, whether in a coaching or personal relationship. Figuring out how to handle this resistance is crucial for both Rebels and those who interact with them.
The Rebel's motto really captures their independent streak: "You can't make me, and neither can I." This attitude shows their resistance to conformity and control, even from within. It’s a tough way to approach life, but it underscores their determination to chart their own course, free from external or internal pressures.
As someone who identifies strongly with the Upholder type, I find Rebels fascinating in their defiance of expectations. Upholders like structure and thrive on meeting both inner and outer obligations. Rebels, on the other hand, embody a spirit of independence and often seek to defy expectations, making their own rules along the way.
In conclusion, while Upholders find freedom in discipline and structure, Rebels find their liberation in autonomy and defiance. Both types add to the rich tapestry of human personality, showing us that there are many ways to navigate the expectations and challenges of life.
The Overlap of Personality Types in Rubin’s Four Tendencies
In exploring Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies framework, it's clear that personality types often intersect and blend. Imagine four circles: Upholders at the top, Rebels at the bottom, Questioners on the left, and Obligers on the right. Each type has its own quirks, but there's a lot of overlap and blending between them too.
Upholders, like me, generally meet both outer and inner expectations. But some Upholders might lean towards Questioner traits, wanting explanations before committing to tasks.
Questioners, who resist expectations unless they're satisfied with the reasons, might also have some Upholder tendencies. They might go along with external demands that make logical sense to them.
Rebels resist both outer and inner expectations and love their independence. Interestingly, some Rebels lean towards being Questioners. If you give them a solid reason, they might actually consider and even comply with requests.
In structured environments like the military or strict schools, Rebels might actually thrive because the regimented nature leaves little room for choice, leading to unexpected success with minimal defiance.
Obligers, who readily meet outer expectations but struggle with inner ones, can also show Rebel tendencies. They might resist more than typical Obligers, especially when they feel overly constrained.
Understanding these nuances helps explain why people may struggle with certain tasks and what strategies might work best for each type. Whether you lean towards one tendency or straddle several, recognizing these traits can guide personal growth and improve how we interact with others.
Understanding Obligers
As mentioned, Obligers are the most common group out there, and this is super obvious in many professional settings, including clinics. They thrive on accountability, making them frequent visitors in healthcare environments where structured support is available. Unlike Upholders, who are accountable to themselves, or Questioners, who are accountable to data, Obligers are accountable to other people. They appreciate coaching, rules, order, and expectations.
For example, in a clinical setting, Obligers often prefer to be weighed by their doctor rather than at home because they value the external validation of their efforts. This accountability is crucial for their motivation.
Obligers do great with structured support systems like coaching, frequent check-ins, or accountability groups like AA for those struggling with alcohol. But they can get overwhelmed when facing multiple expectations from different people, like a boss, kids, aging parents, and healthcare providers. This can lead to stress and trouble prioritizing.
For instance, an Obliger may decide to avoid sweets to meet their health goals. But when offered dessert at a social event, they might struggle to say no due to external pressure. To handle this, it's key to prepare for such situations and practice saying no, aligning their decisions with their most important values—whether it's family, health, or career success.
Establishing a clear understanding of personal values helps Obligers navigate conflicting expectations and make choices that align with their priorities. Setting up accountability structures, like workout classes, apps for tracking progress, or scheduled activities with friends, can really boost their ability to meet their goals.
By building a team or system that keeps them accountable, Obligers can effectively achieve their objectives and stick to their commitments.
Understanding Questioners
Let's explore Questioners again. As the second most common group after Obligers, Questioners hold significant appeal, particularly for professionals like teachers, coaches, and doctors. Engaging with Questioners requires providing thorough information and addressing their inquiries. Their motto, "I'll comply if you convince me why," encapsulates their approach well.
Questioners meet their inner expectations and resist outer ones unless they make sense to them. If you recommend a medication to a Questioner, it's essential to explain the mechanism, safety profile, and how it addresses their specific health concerns. Providing detailed, personalized data—such as BMI, blood work results, and family medical history—helps them make informed decisions.
On the more extreme end, some individuals may exhibit pathological demand avoidance, often linked with neurodivergence. These individuals resist tasks when they perceive their autonomy is threatened, experiencing significant discomfort or frustration when pushed to comply.
If you encounter someone who appears resistant to your requests, it could stem from their need for more information or, in severe cases, pathological demand avoidance. In such situations, offering choices and presenting well-founded information can facilitate better outcomes.
Understanding and respecting the tendencies of Questioners can lead to more effective communication and cooperation, enhancing their willingness to engage and comply when convinced of the rationale behind the request.
Understanding Rebels
Rebels, while not the most common, present unique challenges in various settings, whether you're living with one, coaching one, or are one yourself. Rebels often struggle to meet even their own expectations, leading to frustration. They are naturally defiant, making traditional methods of motivation less effective. However, there are strategies that can help Rebels achieve their goals.
Rebels can be highly competitive, and leveraging this trait can be motivating. Framing tasks as challenges or competitions can engage their competitive spirit. Additionally, reverse psychology can be surprisingly effective. Rebels often respond to defiance with defiance, so suggesting that they might not be able to accomplish something can spur them into action to prove you wrong. While this approach should be used sparingly, it can be a powerful tool when progress is stagnant.
For Rebels, identity plays a crucial role in motivation. If they see themselves as responsible parents, health-conscious individuals, or strong and independent people, they are more likely to act in ways that align with these identities. Reinforcing these aspects of their identity can help them stay committed to their goals.
Also, Rebels often respond well to the idea of fighting against control. For instance, learning about the manipulative tactics of the food industry in creating addictive, ultra-processed foods can trigger their defiance. By framing healthy eating as a way to resist being controlled by the food industry, Rebels may be more motivated to make healthier choices.
Like Questioners, Rebels benefit from having detailed information and understanding the consequences of their actions. However, instead of presenting rules, it's essential to offer them choices. For example, explaining the severe health consequences of excessive drinking allows them to decide for themselves whether to change their behavior. This approach respects their need for autonomy and choice.
Rebels often find it difficult to comply with external rules, regardless of the source. They need to feel in control of their decisions and resist black-and-white directives. Understanding and respecting this tendency can lead to better outcomes. Offering choices, providing clear information, and framing decisions within their identity and values can help Rebels succeed.
While Rebels may be challenging to work with due to their defiant nature, understanding their need for autonomy and leveraging their competitive spirit, identity, and values can lead to successful outcomes. Providing them with information and consequences, and allowing them to make their own choices, is key to fostering their compliance and motivation.
In summary, understanding Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies framework can greatly enhance our ability to motivate ourselves and others. Whether you're an Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, or Rebel, recognizing these traits can help you tailor your approach to achieving your goals and supporting those around you.
To delve deeper into how these personality types can impact your daily life and health changes, listen to the full episode. We'll provide more insights and practical tips on how to leverage your unique tendencies to thrive. Don't miss out—tune in now to transform your approach to productivity and personal growth!
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